Learning to Let Go

Before I begin, I need put a disclaimer: this is a very sensitive subject for me. Everyone's entitled to their own way of living, loving, and learning. I write this in the hopes that you can take from what I've learned, and apply it to your own life... in your own way :)

In my first blog I wrote about my recent heartbreak. I don't know where each of you stands in your love life right now, but learning how to move on can be applied to any scenario. An ex boyfriend, a old job, a class that you didn't do so well in, an ex friend, a family member, etc. We are all in this web of intertwined relationships...some build us up, and some tear us down. But when is it time to look at those not-so-great relationships and say enough is enough?

My mom always told me that a healthy relationship is one where BOTH people are bettering each other. After all, if you're doing all the work...what's in it for you? As I write this, I think of that one friend that conveniently calls/texts me when they need something...the one that "catches up" with you for a few minutes and then discloses their underlying favor that they must ask of you. But when the times comes for the favor to be returned, that person is far too busy to lend a helping hand.

As this pertains to my last breakup, I must admit it's been the most exhausting/confusing/unexplainable feeling that I've ever had to endure. There are just some things in life that we are never going to understand. And sometimes coming to terms with the unknown is the only thing left to do! So how do you do it? I can't put a timeline on the time it takes to heal a broken heart. But what I can tell you is the cycle of moving on...in the only way I know possible!

This might sound weird, but moving on is much like grieving. There's a cycle, and while you may go through the cycle several times, you will eventually move past what you need to in time.

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. When things are going good for you, it is sometimes really hard to hear that happiness come to a halt. It takes days, even months sometimes to come to terms with a heartbreak or bad situation. For example, I remember high school graduation...everyone crying and sharing memories, etc. For me, I didn't shed a tear! It hadn't settled that this was the end. But eventually it hit me days later. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't sad when everyone around me seemed to be...but some people just process differently.

Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. I am an optimist, so when bad things go wrong my first thought is "things will get better...he/she will come around". This can be a good thing at times, however, in most situations, it's giving myself false hope. This is most prevalent when relationships end, because after time passes, we remember the happiest moments with that person, versus the reasons why it ended in the first place. Having hope that that problem will change is normal, we all want to believe that we made good decisions, but it's important to know that God has a reason for pulling people apart. It's all part of the greater plan :)

Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. While I'm not much of a confrontational/angry person this stage is hard to skip over. As humans we like to point our finger at others without taking a good look in the mirror. Knowing that you can place the blame on someone else seems to ease the pain, however, it takes two to tango people! It's okay to be angry when things come to an end, but don't take it out on those you love, and don't say anything you'll regret down the road. For me, I find an outlet in writing my thoughts down. Type up what you want to say so it's out there, and then delete it or write it down and trash it! Think of it as a less aggressive way of speaking your mind.

Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. This is often the stage where I break down. After the fires of anger have been blow out, the next stage is a desperate round of bargaining, seeking ways to avoid having the bad thing happen. Bargaining is thus a vain expression of hope that the bad news is reversible. It's important to recognize that by taking risks, great things can come to you, but at the same time, things WILL go wrong... It's part of life!

Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. Coming to terms with the finality can be relieving, or sometimes you think "what's next?' It's confusing for me, because I know that there's a reason for everything, but finding what lesson to take away from it is difficult! No matter how the person treated me, I like to think that that person is somewhat better from knowing me. That somehow through the ending of one relationship, they found a new happy beginning in another. I think God would want us to feel that for others.

Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. After you've gone through the anger and sadness, you start to really be happy with yourself and just surrounding yourself with friends and family! You might have been avoiding songs, places, even people that brought back memories of that relationship. This stage is about coming out of that dark place and truly living again.

Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward. The biggest mistake you can do is digress from this stage. Don't reopen doors that were shut for a reason. By opening lines of communication with that person before this stage, it will only create more heartache and setback. Respect that individual enough to let them move on as well. Time heals all wounds, and I'm a big believer in reestablishing friendships ONCE both sides have moved on in a healthy way! 

Respect the cycle, people! Everyone's different, but we all hit the stages differently. Live and learn and smile until you eventually mean it :)