Holding Out For a Hero

I've never been one for words...writing, reading, english...it's all so grey and opinionated. Yet, I am now 22 years old and finding myself in need of an outlet. So this is my attempt to vent the stories of my life, and perhaps find the true benefits of "blogging"!

Love. You can't live with it and you can't live without it. Love found me first in high school with the star running back. He had green eyes, dark hair, and a smile that would take your breath away.We were crazy about each other, but unfortunately being a "popular" boy got the best of him and I found out I wasn't the only girl in his life. My mom always said that each relationship teaches us something that you can bring with you to the next one. So, my first love taught me to have a "guarded" trust. Trust is the most fundamental foundation that a relationship needs, yet girls(like myself) give it away too easily. I decided from that moment on I would no longer fall into this emotional trap. So, thanks for the lesson football star :)


It was because of this high school sweet heart(ache) that my heart was guarded when I met the second love of my life, however, I didn't know that I would soon give up the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I remember the night in June 2008 when I first hung out with him. He is the epitome of my dream guy. He's tall, tan, blue eyed, smart, athletic, funny, and most importantly, he's a man after God's heart. His family is one of THE most loving and supportive families that I've ever met, and I could immediately see the special bond that they share. I think that you can tell a lot about a man from his family, especially by the way that he treats his mother. I spent the entire summer with him before I went to college just being young, crazy kids. He was honestly the most respectable man I had ever dated(and will have ever dated to this day). But my heart wouldn't let him in. I couldn't allow another great guy break my heart. So I packed up and headed to Norman, OK to start my college journey at the University of Oklahoma...single.


I spent two years dating athletes, frat boys, and a guitar player, but none of them felt right. On my 21st birthday, my dream guy crept back into my life to celebrate with my friends and me in Dallas. Being the gentlemen he was, he followed us around all night making sure that we got home safe. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but all this time I truly forgot what a great guy I had let slip away. Over Thanksgiving and Christmas break, he and I hung out as friends. In January I was going to Italy to study abroad for 6 months(not exactly the perfect timing to begin a relationship). I had to tell him my feelings before I left, but what would he say? I mean, I did break his heart, would he ever let me back in? When I told him that I still had feelings for him he said that he had questioned his feelings for me as well, but that the timing wasn't right for us since I would be half a world away.

Italy was the greatest thing I could have possibly done for my personal development. It opened my eyes to a completely different way of living and seizing the day! When I returned, I decided it was time for me to stop being the push over that never gets what she wants. I was going to take my relationship status into my own hands and really fight for what I want. And I wanted my dream guy. After literally 3 months of what I thought was the most torturous time of my life, I finally got him to take me on a date. Now, you might be thinking why would you wait that long for something that he clearly didn't want anymore? Well, I'm the type of person that literally cannot function when I have tension with someone. I have to fix things or I can't eat or sleep until it is resolved. So, knowing that I had let who I considered to be my future husband, go it was slowly eating away at my conscious.

What was the worst thing that could happen? He doesn't like me, and I move on. I give it all I can and have no regrets. And it worked! I had torn down those walls that he built up from his heartbreak. We were literally crazy about eachother. We spent 4 amazing months traveling back and forth between McKinney and Norman to see eachother as much as possible. They say when you know, you know, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. It didn't take long for us to have "the talk" about marriage, and surprisingly, we were on the same page! I've never felt happier.

On New Years Eve I heard those 3 words that makes every girl's heart leap out of their chest. He loved me! My parents were extatic. Even my dad, which if you know my father, is pretty spectacular seeing as I'm his only girl AND he's never been crazy about anyone I had ever dated. I had a job offer back home in Dallas, I had an amazing boyfriend who loved me, and 2 supportive parents that were genuinely happy for us. Life was great. But I should have known that perfection doesn't hang around long enough to see your next heartache. The next day I learned that my boyfriend, who I had faught tirelessly to win back for a year and a half, had a much different outlook on the role of holidays, politics, and church than I did. I was wanting to marry this man, and I cannot find the words to explain the heartbreak that I went through the next couple weeks and that I'm still facing today.

I think it's easy to blame God, or my "dream guy", or my parents, or even myself, for breaking us up. But like momma said there is a lesson to be learned from EVERY relationship. You can't point a finger at any single person, because a relationship is built on a combination of people who love eachother that at the end of the day have to be willing to work on life together. I think a relationship is the single most difficult job that any human can possibly endure. However, by loving another person through the most difficult times makes you appreciate them even more on the easy days. This relationship taught me that I need to find a man that's willing to do life together, that taking the easy way out is not an option with me, and that God puts these instances in your life on purpose to make you stronger. So, instead of sitting on my butt and crying to my friends and eating a whole lot of junk food to ease the pain, I'm trying a new approach--learning and moving on.

Thank you so much to the second love of my life for getting me that much closer to my true dream guy. You've touched my life in a way no one has ever done before. You challenged my faith and I'm a better person for that. As of today I am dancing with the Lord, and waiting for my future husband to cut in when he's meant to. Until then, I'm "holding out for a hero".